Small moments of intense satisfaction

I’m on a project building an offshore, production oil platform.

Lovely client: Have you got that full set of GA drawings I wanted?

Awful PM: *stern look*

Apprentice (me): I think so. The drawing numbers are saying I have, but I can’t see a helipad on any of them…

Awful PM: *rapidly shuffles drawings, exits stage right with the now rather concerned client chasing him*.

Alarm Cat

 

Spring has sprung 

And so did I

High up to the sky

Largely thanks to

A human thigh. 

Thus propelled

A swipe I missed

As curses flew

About my ears

And I gravity defied.

Minion moaned,

Groaned and sighed 

“5am!” you little ******

Tittering, down the

Stairs I fled

Landing in my

Own dear bed.

So now I snooze

Cosy, warm

As Hoomum stumbles

Blinking at the dawn.

Samuel Wilson

09/02/2022

Sir David Ames

A sad day for democracy in Britain again today. We all love to hate them but no MP should lose their life just because they’ve chosen to stand up and represent others’ voices.

I’m deeply saddened for Sir David’s family, friends, and colleagues today. RIP Sir David Ames and thanks for your service.

Feline Levitation

When I first considered sharing my home with a cat, levitation wasn’t a characteristic I anticipated. Sceptics might suggest he just jumps to Olympic standards. 

Trans Dermal Magnesium Supplementation

My massage therapist feels I should be using magnesium oil as diabetics can be magnesium deficient and because of the way my muscles stiffen.

My gut reaction was “horse shit” as one’s skin is generally a pretty poor route for anything to enter the body, but in the interests of fairness, I went looking for the science.

From the conclusion: “However, we cannot yet recommend the application of transdermal magnesium.”.

Basically, there’s insufficient evidence currently for trans dermal supplementation though oral courses may be mandated IF one has been measured as deficient.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5579607/

Commuter Yarns #1

I used to work in London. One evening Dad and I were stood in the buffet car, reading. A bloke was giving someone 5 minutely ETA updates on his phone all the way from Paddington.

A man walked up to him from the other end of the car. He took the bloke’s phone from him without a word and threw it out of the open window. He then turned on his heel and walked away, back to his paper.

The phone owner looked like he’d been slapped with a wet haddock! 

Handbag Calamity

A friend on social media asked: “When Spring Cleaning your bag, what is the strangest thing you've found, or perhaps something you usually have that others don't”. It brought back a memory that still makes me blush. No, not for that reason, you naughty people!

A can of Ambrosia Cream Rice with 30% extra... much to the amusement of the colleague who’d asked if he could borrow an emery board.

He said “I thought it was meant to be half a brick in case you were attacked?” I replied that this was better as you had a handy snack having worked up a hunger beating the shit out of cheeky workmates with it.

I’d gone shopping on my way home from work as there was a Morrison’s between my office and Paddington station a few weeks before. I’d been wondering why my bag was so heavy 🙄.

What was worse was that I’d upended my bag on my desk in frustration looking for said emery board. The can had trundled across my metal desk, hit the floor with a sturdy thump, rolled across the floor and hit a third colleague’s desk with a loud clang.